Dearest Apollonia,

I have read that journals are more interesting when written as if one is writing a letter to a close friend.  So, I have decided to christen you ‘Apollonia’, a name which symbolizes light, power, and all things altruistic in this world for I hope that someday my writings will be an inspiration to all idealistic and ambitious young maidens who seek to live life to the fullest and make this world a better place for all.

Sadly, I must amid that in my first entry, I write to you with a heavy heart.  My dearest companion and closest confidant, Pierre, is, at this moment in a very
bad way.  He is in a state of shock, overwhelmed by confusion, insecurity, and sadness.  It is much worse than I had anticipated for I have not seen him in such a state since the day of his unfortunate and brutal attack.  As with this prior incident, he first suffered from violent conniptions and severe hysteria before ultimately falling into a dreadfully worrisome state of catatonia.  I can only hope that his mental stupor will not continue for an extended duration of time in such a state could have long-lasting consequences on his mental health.  Birds do not cry, but if they did, I suspect his entire feathered body would be soaked from his tears.

After the unfortunate incident with the dreadful feline, it took six weeks of constant care before he was able to eat and sleep as per usual, and to this date, he is unable to step a single claw outside of the my bathing-chamber.  All I can do is to hope and pray that Aurea’s gentle and kind touch shall, in time, help soothe his injured soul and expedite a complete and full recovery.  If there is anyone who can restore the vitality of his essence, it is my sweet Aurea.  I have no doubt that she will take most excellent care of him and that she shall learn to love and cherish him as have I.

As for myself, I too find myself unable to eat or sleep.  My attitude toward this, the first grand adventure of my life, can only be described as ambivalent.  I too am in a state of shock and consternation, something which I did no foresee.  It has been my dream for so long to leave this place behind and begin my real life and forge my way through this vast world, but cannot help but feel that perhaps the price is just too high as I am abandoning those whom I most dearly love.  Surely I am not the first person to have found themselves in this position.  Is it not true that every child must eventually leave their home and in so doing leave behind their loved ones?  Is it not true that each person has a duty to themselves and the world in which they the fulfill their potential and make a contribution to the greater good?  Shall I not be allowed to live my own life and pursue my own dreams?  And how can anyone truly achieve their full potential if they do not leave the comfort and safety of home?  Just as the baby bird leaves their nest and the butterfly exits their chrysalis, is not equally as inevitable that a young lady must escape the confines of her sheltered youth?

On the other hand, is it not true that anyone who is worth loving must also love themselves in return?  How can one worthy of love abandon those who have provided them with care and companionship to the certainty of their own detriment?  How will I love myself if I fancy myself guilty of betrayal?  Are the tears that I shed now the price that I must pay for the opportunity to explore the places, cultures, and creatures that inhabit this vast and glorious planet?  I never understood why so many of the girls chose to remain at the convent.  I always considered them cowardly and weak.  Perhaps it was they who had the courage to sacrifice for the greater good of those whom they love.

It seems as if I have been confronted with perhaps the cruelest riddle in life, the answer to which I shall no doubt passionately explore during my time abroad.  All I can do until then is bestow upon my loved ones my most sincere hope and prayers that they too will find in life those people, places, and things that can and will bring them true joy.  Furthermore, I must not allow myself to forget those whom I must leave behind and commit to leaving them in a harmonious state and safeguard their future well-being.  In this regard, I am blessed in that I have a true friend in whom I can trust to care for those whom I so thoroughly adore. 

I cannot help wonder if it is even possible for everyone in this world to fulfill their hopes and their dreams for it seems the way of this world that the few stand
on the shoulders of the many.  The world has a need for only so many poets, musicians, and artists.  What is to become of those for whom there is no room at the top of this pyramid?  Is it not the farmer, the butcher, and the baker who work until their backs can endure no more and allow these artisans and academics the luxury of wealth and and time their pursuit demands and thus allow them to flourish?  On the other hand, is it not true that these so-called enlightened folk are often times nothing more than scoundrels who are taking for themselves a small piece of life from the many so that may live their own lives so comfortably large?  These men and women who would steal the bread and butter from the common folk so that they can pursue their own personal fame, fortune, privilege, and glory and indulge in pernicious vice?  Is it possible to be one without the other?  What must one do to achieve the former without being seduced by the latter?

This logic leads met to an inevitable question.  Am I myself wicked for wanting these very same capricious rewards in my own life?  If one answer is in the affirmative, then the question that naturally follows is even more vexing.  How must one live one’s own life?  Must the talented musician push aside her harp and join the farmer in plowing the fields?  Must the gifted poet put down his pen and join the peasants in their cooking and cleaning?  Would such sacrifices truly make the world a better place, or would they amount to nothing more than hollow gestures that would ultimately rob the world of precious beauty?  Beauty that exists for the enjoyment of everyone?  When I ponder such mysteries, my mind inevitably returns to a single concept:  balance.  Yet while a seemingly simple concept, my studies have lead me to conclude that balance is inherently unstable like a rubber ball perched upon the tip of a mountain.  For is history not taught us that the powerful seek more power and that the wealthy seek more wealth?  Is it not true that those who give of themselves to the world find ways to give even more?  If my life should stray from balance, shall I become aware?  Perhaps I have already lost my balance.  Perhaps, even now, have I begun to freely roll down the side of the mountain.
  
I am in a most curious stage of life.  I have lost the luxury of ignorance, yet I have not yet discovered my true self.  Nor do I understand what my place in the world shall be, and although I often feel that I am smarter than my superiors, the so-called adults around me who presume to teach me the ways of the world, I myself must admit that I have yet to learn anything of the real world.  My knowledge is theoretical and lacks any real worth or consequence.  I do not understand what precisely that which in this life that I seek.  I know not that which would see me fulfilled and content.  Furthermore, I do not understand the nature or magnitude of the responsibility I have to the glorious world within which I have been borne.  Simply put: I do not know that which I do not know.  Therein lies the essence of self-discovery.

Dearest Apollonia, I beg of you.  Please help guide me through life’s journey.  Grant me wisdom.  And above all, please bless those who have blessed me.

Sincerely,
Mataya